


The Smile You Gave Me

by WillowDeville



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Biotics, Canon-Typical Violence, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, M/M, MEBB 2017, Prejudice against Biotics, Sole Survivor (Mass Effect)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-24
Updated: 2017-09-24
Packaged: 2019-01-04 19:15:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12174996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WillowDeville/pseuds/WillowDeville
Summary: On the eve of Shepard’s mission to Akuze, Kaidan meets Shepard on the streets of Vancouver, in an encounter that is filled with emotions, not exactly smooth, but certainly memorable. When they meet again on the Normandy six years later, Shepard finds himself still haunted by that day and everything that happened since.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Here is my entry for the Mass Effect Big Bang 2017. The biggest thank you ever to my partner in crime, [demirhys](https://demirhys.tumblr.com/), who did the amazing artwork for this story, and who was an absolute pleasure to conspire with. Go check out her [art masterpost](https://demirhys.tumblr.com/post/165682184312/closing-his-own-eyes-he-let-their-connection) on tumblr. 
> 
> Also, a huge thank you to the always fabulous [AnnaRaven](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnaRaven) for agreeing to be my beta and putting up with my last minute 'Oh-God-I-got-the-date-wrong' antics, and to the lovely [FieryEclipse](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FieryEclipse) for her invaluable feedback and encouragement. You both rock!
> 
> And last but not least, thank you to [Azzy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Azzy_Darling) for organising this whole Big Bang for us all to enjoy. All the kudos to you!

* * *

  

 

* * *

 

 *** 2177** *****

 

The young soldier in front of him couldn’t have been more obvious. A fleeting glance over a shoulder was quickly followed by another, and by the time the man stumbled over his words and lost his place in his conversation with his friend, Kaidan regretted his decision to have his lunch in the mess. Word had obviously gotten around.

He considered taking his meal and finding a quiet corner somewhere else in the building, or on the stands near the training tracks outside. But then again, he was here to fit in, to demonstrate he could be part of a team. He was as good a soldier as the rest of them, and isolating himself would only spur on the ones opposed to the notion of human biotics in the Alliance.

Only today didn’t seem to be the day he was fitting in. He spotted a few guys from his unit, packed around a table towards the center of the hall with not an inch to spare between them. He passed them, all too aware of the wary looks and interrupted conversations trailing him as he made his way through the rows of tables and benches. He ended up in one of the corners of the hall, still sitting on his own, a couple of empty spaces between himself and the next person along.

He didn’t have to take his eyes off his plate to know that people were watching him.

“Hey, Shepard, grab something for us mere mortals as well,” someone called from the other end of the mess, and Kaidan barely managed not to flinch and duck his head before he realized it wasn’t him they were shouting at. At the same time, he pricked his ears up. He had heard about Shepard, and if he had felt more comfortable with his surroundings, he probably would’ve given in to his curiosity and sought him out.

Shepard’s name was like an anthem around HQ. Kaidan had never met the guy, but some of the superiors simply wouldn’t stop talking about him, taking every opportunity to showcase the man as the perfect soldier. Shepard couldn’t put a foot wrong, even if he wanted to. Apparently his career record was exceptional, especially for a soldier of his age, and he was about to become the youngest Marine to lead his own unit on an off-world mission to Akuze. No wonder the younger generation was in awe of the man.

Kaidan looked up, but instead of stealing a peek at the infamous Shepard, he was met with the sight of Tam Kercher storming towards him, his hands curled into fists and his face twisted in an uncanny sneer, practically screaming for trouble. Kaidan squared his shoulders. Maybe he shouldn’t have floored Kercher so many times when they had been paired up together in the sparring ring earlier, but the guy had it in for him. And when Kaidan had realized that the other man had been too distracted by his own ranting about letting ‘fucking biotic psychopaths’ into the Alliance, Kaidan had gladly taken his chance for some payback.

Kercher was one of those guys who unraveled if the other person didn’t bite back, and in the sparring ring Kaidan was more than happy to keep his mouth shut and play his opponent, taking him down with a few skillfully placed punches instead. He had figured out pretty quickly that Kercher’s perception was clouded by the anticipation of a biotic blow, and he had sworn never to give him that satisfaction. Only here they weren’t under the watchful eye of their sparring supervisor. Here Kercher had an audience.

“Where are your friends, Alenko?” Kercher scoffed. He planted both hands on the other side of the table and leaned across it, and Kaidan instinctively pulled back his plate. He wouldn’t have been surprised if the other man had tried to spit on his food. But Kercher only bared his teeth at him and hissed, “Oh, I forgot.” He lifted his head and hollered across the hall. “Biotic scum doesn’t have friends around here!”

A few voices fell silent while the rest of the crowd thankfully didn’t seem to be too interested.

“Very mature, Kercher,” Kaidan said evenly, before turning his attention back to his meal.

He should’ve known better. On the other side of the table, Kercher barked a laugh and leaned in further with one hand raised in an attempt to give Kaidan a pat on the cheek. Kaidan slapped it away. He didn’t see the punch coming that hit him hard under his left eye, the piercing pain making his vision white out, his biotics flickering hot underneath his skin, dangerously close to the surface.

His instincts took over before he could stop himself. He leaped over the top of the table and pounced on the other soldier, the clattering sound of his plate hitting the floor soon drowned out by the shouts of the uprising crowd around them. They hit the ground in a flurry of punches, and Kaidan probably would’ve knocked Kercher out for real if it hadn’t been for the two guys that harshly grabbed him from behind and yanked him off the other man.

“Pack it in!” one of the guys growled, shoving him back and stepping between him and Kercher, who was clumsily getting back to his feet looking dazed.

“Fuck you.” Kaidan’s voice echoed through the sudden silence of the hall.

Kercher cackled and Kaidan could feel the heat rising from underneath his collar as he tried to control his breathing. It did nothing to calm the pounding of his heart, and when he swiped his hand under his nose it came away with a smear of blood.

The guy in front of him visibly relaxed, the frown on his face accompanied with an emotion Kaidan couldn’t quite read. It took him a second to realize it was pity, and he wanted to scream at the man, or smash something. He didn’t need pity, not from this guy or anybody else. He wasn’t a fucking damsel in distress.

Without another word, he made his way towards the exit, trying hard to ignore the hum in the air as people quietly picked up their conversations again. He should’ve known better. He should’ve turned around and taken his lunch elsewhere. But instead, he had given Kercher an opening to provoke him, coming too close to losing control over his biotics, too close to giving the guy exactly what he wanted. And all it had taken was one unexpected punch.

There was no relief when he finally reached the doors and stepped out into the corridor. There was blood on his uniform as well as on the back of his hand as he pressed it back underneath his nose, a warm trickle persistently running down his upper lip. If he wanted to avoid being questioned by his next supervisor, he would have to go and see the nurse, get some medi-gel to fix his face. He would also have to find a fresh shirt from somewhere.

With a quiet groan, he set off towards the infirmary. He couldn’t wait for the day to be over. Why the hell did he let this guy get to him?

***

Kaidan went hungry through the afternoon sessions, somehow managing to avoid Kercher. He probably fought through more combat simulations than strictly advisable, but it was all he could do to shake off the frustration that clung to him like a wet coat after a rainstorm. He only stopped when his hands started shaking, white spots invading his vision.

By then his stomach felt as if someone had scraped it out with a spoon. He wolfed down a couple of protein bars before heading for the showers, itching to get off base as soon as he had cleaned up. He could do with not being a soldier for an evening, and with a couple of whiskeys along the way.

Hoping anybody keen enough to leave the base on a weeknight wouldn’t venture further than the bars and restaurants near the headquarters, he caught a bus into one of the neighborhoods nearby and ended up in a bar just off the main street. Eager to spend some time on his own, he settled at the darker end of the bar and ordered a burger and a couple of beers.

Still, neither the food nor the taste of a good old Canadian beer did anything to cheer him up, and he changed to whiskey soon after he had finished his meal, ready to drown himself in his own self-pity. He wondered if he would ever fit in. Or if he even wanted to. Sometimes he even wondered why he had ever come back. As if Brain Camp hadn’t burned him enough.

Time disappeared between one glass and the next while around him the room was slowly getting busier. He had just ordered another double when a swell of noise rose near the front door, and Kaidan watched absentmindedly as a group of people filtered in from the street.

He tensed. One of the girls was wearing an Alliance hoodie, and he recognized the tall guy with the short-cropped hair behind her. He didn’t know his name, but he had seen him around at the headquarters more than once. The guy was nothing short of impressive in the simulation arena, quick thinking and fearless, a stoical but lethal force against any opponent he was put in front of. He was young, but with a composure and skillset like that, it was almost impossible not to notice him.

A sudden wave of panic washed over Kaidan, and he ducked his head and kept it low. There was every chance that those guys had been in the mess to witness his altercation with Kercher, and the last thing he wanted was for anybody to see him, or even worse, recognize him. Out of the corner of his eye, he watched the newcomers steer towards one of the booths at the other side of the room. They didn’t seem to take much notice of anybody outside their own little group as they settled around the table, laughter and friendly banter filling the air between them.

Kaidan quickly tipped back the rest of his whiskey. Maybe this was his cue to leave.

Patting his pockets for his wallet, he dared to throw another quick glance towards the booth – and froze. A pair of incredibly blue eyes was staring back at him. Across the room, the tall guy sat very still amongst his friends, a faint smile on his face, and Kaidan was hit with the certainty that the man knew who he was looking at. However, there was no animosity in his eyes, no mistrust, but something else. Something that made Kaidan forget where he was. And then those blue eyes fluttered, followed by an almost imperceptible nod that said ‘I see you’, and Kaidan drew in a sharp breath. He couldn’t look away.

Somewhere, someone dropped a drink, and the spell was broken. A loud cheer hailed the shattering of glass, and for a second time that day, Kaidan felt his skin heating up. He quickly dropped his eyes and pretended to study the inscription on his empty tumbler. So much for not wanting to be seen. He was debating settling up quickly again when someone slid onto the empty stool beside him.

“Mind if I join you?” the man said, and Kaidan was almost disappointed when he realized that it wasn’t his fellow soldier from the booth who had sat down next to him. When he stole a glance past the man, Blue Eyes was still sitting beside his friends, now glaring at him, one eyebrow raised pointedly.

“You look like you need some cheering up,” his new companion said. “I’m Marcus.”

Marcus was perhaps a little older than Kaidan, a mop of red hair on his head, a full beard of the same color framing his face. Making no effort to hide his intention, his green eyes glistened hungrily as he gave Kaidan the once over.

Kaidan frowned at the unashamed attempt to flirt with him, but when Marcus didn’t back down, he cocked his head and narrowed his eyes. He looked the man up and down, taking his own fill of the rather attractive body sitting next to him. Lieutenant Blue Eyes from the booth was probably more his type, but this guy wasn’t too bad either. And he wasn’t a soldier, and right now, Kaidan definitely preferred that.

“Depends on what you’re offering.”

The smirk on the other man’s face transformed into a victorious grin. He waved at the bartender for a refill for both of them, before turning towards Kaidan again, his hand casually falling to his crotch. Kaidan’s eyes followed the movement before he could stop himself. Marcus saw it, but he only laughed and playfully bumped his shoulder against Kaidan’s. “You can do whatever you want with me.”

Kaidan didn’t need long to consider the offer. He could have his way with this guy, get some action that didn’t involve fists and, at the same time, get rid of some of that frustration he had been harboring. When the bartender placed two drinks in front of them, Kaidan lifted his glass in a toast and downed it in one go, before leaning towards Marcus and lightly brushing his lips against his ear. “You’ve got somewhere we can go?”

He wasn’t sure if it was arousal or the alcohol slurring his words.

“Yeah,” Marcus said, sounding no less hoarse. “I don’t live far from here.”

It sealed the deal. Kaidan slipped off his stool, a sheepish grin on his face when he had to reach for the bar to steady himself. It didn’t really matter if he was drunk, though. On the contrary, it would probably help him to loosen up and forget about all the crap that was going on.

“Sorry mate.” A dark voice cut through his smugness as a hand closed around his arm, grabbing him firmly to stop the swaying. Kaidan’s head snapped around, and he found himself staring at the blue-eyed soldier from across the room. Only the guy wasn’t talking to him but to Marcus, who had gotten off his stool as well and was squaring up to the newcomer.

“This date is over,” the man said. “Whatever you were planning to do tonight, it’s not going to happen.”

“What the hell?” Kaidan tried to yank himself free.

“I think he’s quite capable of making that decision himself, don’t you?” Marcus snapped.

“Doesn’t look like it to me.” Blue Eyes tugged at Kaidan’s arm, and Kaidan almost lost his balance again.

“I’m right here, by the way,” Kaidan snarled. “And what the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

For the first time since he had come over, the guy looked at him. “I’m saving you from feeling even shittier tomorrow morning than you feel right now, dumbass.”

“I don’t see how that is any of your concern.” Marcus tried to reach for Kaidan but was stopped with a hard shove against his chest that made him stumble backwards a few steps.

“John,” a sharp female voice interrupted them. The girl in the Alliance hoodie stood only a few feet away, her eyes trained on her friend, the stern lines on her face leaving no doubt that she was more than prepared to kick someone’s ass if she had to.

“Don’t worry, I’m almost done here,” the man said over his shoulder and tightened his grip again when Kaidan took the brief distraction to try to escape.

“You sure you want to do this?” Marcus looked like he was ready for a brawl. “You sure you want to mess with me?”

“And are you sure you want to mess around with a human biotic?” Blue Eyes hissed and pulled Kaidan up, presenting him to the other man.

Kaidan swallowed as all color drained from Marcus’s face. He stared at Kaidan, open mouthed, as if Kaidan had deceived him somehow. As if Kaidan had forgotten to mention that he was not a normal human being.

“Good. Then we’re done here,” his unsolicited savior – John – said, before turning towards the female soldier. “I’m taking this one home, I’ll catch you in the morning.”

The woman only raised an eyebrow, but didn’t say anything.

“I’m not–” Kaidan’s protest died in his throat when he was not too gently dragged towards the exit. Marcus stepped out of their way, disgust written all over his face, but all Kaidan could do was glare at him, the rejection hurting more than he had expected.

When he stumbled through the door and out onto the sidewalk, the sudden cool breeze did wonders to his senses and he finally managed to free himself from the other man.

“Thanks for nothing, _John_!”

“I’m doing you a favor, _Kaidan_!”

Kaidan stood stock-still, his eyes wide. “How the hell do you know my name? And what did you do that for?”

“You’re the only biotic in the Alliance I know of, _Kaidan Alenko_ , of course I know your name,” John said and pointed towards the bar where the door had fallen shut behind them. “And you really wanted to do that? After the day you’ve had?”

“Yeah, asshole,” Kaidan spat back at him. “ _Especially_ after the day I’ve had.”

They stared at each other. Kaidan’s mind was a mess. John knew who he was, knew of his biotics, and still, less than ten minutes ago the man had looked at him as if he wanted to jump into bed with him. But instead he had exposed Kaidan and then dragged him around like a bull at auction, and now he expected him to say thank you?

John looked away, down the road towards the bus stop. “Come on.” He waved at Kaidan, beckoning him to follow. “Let’s catch the bus and get back to base.”

“Do whatever you want.” Kaidan turned and walked the other way. “I’ll walk.”

“That’s over three miles from here,” John called, before catching up with him, easily matching his pace.

“So what?” Kaidan kept his eyes fixed on the pavement in front of him. “Last time I checked, my legs were still working.”

“Right, I’ll walk with you then.”

“I don’t need a babysitter, thank you very much. Are you afraid I’m going to get jumped or something?”

John smirked and rolled his eyes. “No, Kaidan, I’d be worried for anyone who’d dare to jump you. With your mood, you might accidentally exterminate them with your superpowers.”

“Not funny,” Kaidan growled. The concrete below his feet glistened with dampness, cars spraying up water as they sped through puddles left by a recent downpour. The smell of rain still hung in the air, and Kaidan was sobering up the further they went, the dizziness being replaced by the dull pressure of a headache looming behind his eyes. He buried his hands in his pockets and hunched his shoulders against the breeze.

John turned up his collar and walked beside him in silence, giving Kaidan the space he needed to sort out his thoughts. The quiet companionship felt like a peace offering, comforting and calming, and Kaidan caught himself looking over at John whenever he thought the other man wasn’t paying attention. He had to admit that the fact that the man was still there flattered him as much as it annoyed him.

They stopped at a large junction. The traffic had thinned out since the rush hour, and Kaidan guessed they were about half-way from the base. The streets were getting busier the closer they got to the bay, and he could see the two beams of light projected towards the night sky from somewhere near the Alliance HQ. John seemed to scan the area, before zooming in on a small neighborhood store on the other side of the street.

“Come on, we need supplies.” He nodded towards the store, but when Kaidan didn’t move, he simply stepped off the curb and darted across the street.

“This isn’t a battlefield, you know,” Kaidan huffed, but followed him nonetheless.

“Yeah, but you had enough to drink to dehydrate you for a week, you need some fluids. Otherwise your head is going to feel like someone’s rolled a tank over it tomorrow.”

“Thanks for caring, but I really don’t need you to be mothering me,” Kaidan grumbled as John pulled open the door and pushed him into the harsh lights of the store.

“You’re one grumpy son of a bitch, Kaidan, you know that?” John said and walked past him towards the fridge at the back of the store, grabbing two bottles of water.

“So I’ve been told. Once or twice.”

John laughed and took their purchases to the register to get them rung up, a mischievous sparkle in his eye. Kaidan flipped him off, which only made John laugh even more, and Kaidan felt like grabbing a packet of sweets from the display next to the register and shove into John’s mouth, just to make him shut up. If John was trying to flirt with him, he was definitely going about it the wrong way.

John was still smiling when they stepped back out onto the sidewalk, but when he held one of bottles out towards Kaidan, Kaidan made no move to take it from him. He was still pissed about being dragged out of a bar and away from a potential one-night stand, he wasn’t going to make it that easy for the guy. John’s smile faltered.

“Take the damn water, Kaidan,” he growled and for a moment he almost looked hurt.

The unexpected change of tone threw Kaidan off guard. He took the bottle, but didn’t get a chance to say anything, as John had already set off down the street. Kaidan groaned and hurried after him. He felt bad all of a sudden. Yeah, maybe he was bad-tempered, but there was a difference between being cranky and being hurtful, and he certainly didn’t mean to hurt John’s feelings, especially after all John had done was show him some decency.

“Thanks,” he mumbled when he caught up with him.

“You’re welcome,” John said, equally as quiet.

They continued in silence once more, only this time it felt loaded, filled with a set of emotion Kaidan wasn’t quite sure he knew how to handle. He had sobered up enough to feel embarrassed about his behavior but, at the same time, his skin was still itching with irritation. He was so caught up in his inner turmoil that it took him a few turns to realize that John had led them away from the main street, bypassing the busy entertainment district with all the bars and clubs by taking to the quieter side streets and alleys instead.

Kaidan snorted a laugh. “Are you sure you know where you’re going? Because, man, if this is just a trick to lure me into a dark corner, I will kick your ass to the Citadel and back if you as much as think about it.”

It had to be the alcohol still clouding his reflexes, otherwise he had no explanation why he would’ve let John grab him by the collar of his shirt and shove him hard against the wall, two empty water bottles clattering to the ground.

“I’m trying to get us home as quickly as possible so you can rest your dumb head before you have to get up again at stupid o’clock tomorrow morning, so cut the crap, Alenko!” John hissed through his teeth.

At once, Kaidan’s anger was back like a raging fire. “You could’ve just left me alone, asshole.”

“Clearly,” John spat, as if that was an answer.

“Why the fuck not?”

John pushed him harder against the wall, grinding his teeth, the muscle along his jaw twitching as his eyes bore into Kaidan. But then his grip loosened. When he spoke again, though, his voice still dangerous and low, his stare was no less fierce. “I guess I’m asking you to trust me.”

It was as if someone had splashed cold water into Kaidan’s face. As if he was back inside the bar, staring at the man in the booth, blue eyes staring back at him.

John noticed. His expression softened, but his eyes remained glued to Kaidan’s, curious as to what Kaidan was going to come up with next. Kaidan swallowed, and John’s eyes landed on his mouth and then he was leaning in and –

Kaidan flinched. John stopped and Kaidan’s thoughts tumbled all over each other again. He let out a staggered breath, his eyes flickering back and forth between John’s and something shifted. Maybe he did, giving the other man a sign that it was okay, because suddenly John’s lips were on his and John’s hands were in his hair, and he was pressed back against the wall.

And with the flick of John’s tongue into Kaidan’s mouth, the heat Marcus had interrupted earlier was back, like a fever that didn’t know if it was coming or going, making Kaidan shiver and sweat at the same time. John pushed forward, a quiet moan escaping from somewhere deep in his throat, and Kaidan’s hands dropped to his ass, pulling him closer, shamelessly pressing their hips together and grinding the bulge of his erection against John’s.

It was John who pulled back, gasping for air and staring at Kaidan as if he didn’t quite know what had just happened. He looked so flustered, Kaidan simply had to kiss him again, and he couldn’t find it in him to stop his fingers fumbling with John’s belt and the buttons of his jeans, before blindly opening his own and pulling them both out into the space between them.

He wrapped his hand around both of them and felt John pant against his mouth as his shaft caught against Kaidan’s. John’s hips snapped forward, and Kaidan moved, thrusting up into his hand and against the other man’s hardness. The world narrowed down to the hot flesh underneath his fingers and warm lips against his own, heavy breaths and broken sounds between them as they clawed at each other, trying to keep a steady rhythm.

They didn’t last long. John groaned and pulsed against him. A few more thrusts and Kaidan followed him, breaking the kiss to drop his head to John’s shoulder, letting the aftershocks rock through him. He held them loosely, his eyes closed, taking in John’s scent and filing it away in his memory so he wouldn’t forget it. When he felt them soften in his hand, he lifted his head and was struck by the shy look on the other’s man’s face.

John was trying hard not to meet his eyes as he fished for something in his pocket, and Kaidan couldn’t withhold a small chuckle when he pulled out a packet of tissues.

“Don’t laugh, this is Vancouver,” John said. “It gets cold. It makes my nose run.” A small smile was tugging at the corner of his mouth as he carefully cleaned them up and put them away. He tossed the tissue away but kept his head low, eyes fixed at the ground. “I’m sorry.”

“What for?”

“I honestly didn’t plan this.” John finally met his eyes, his cheeks pink with embarrassment, maybe even guilt, and Kaidan was hit with the realization of how much he liked the look of this man. And the taste of him, so he leaned in and kissed him again, long and slow.

“You have nothing to apologize for,” Kaidan said, and for the first time all night he felt like he could smile at his antics. “I’m the one that acted like a jerk.”

John chuckled. He pressed another gentle kiss to Kaidan’s mouth and then pushed away. “We should get going.”

They stepped back out of the alley together, their hands buried in their pockets again, shoulders hunched against the wind, and Kaidan couldn’t stop looking at John as he walked beside him. He didn’t know how or why John and his friends had chosen that particular bar for their night out, but Kaidan was glad they had.

“Do you use them often? Your biotics?” John suddenly asked.

“No.” Kaidan shook his head but smiled. He usually hated talking about them, growing defensive as soon as anyone mentioned them. But John sounded genuinely interested, and Kaidan wanted to tell him. “Too many people are still scared of human biotics, think that we’re freaks with too much power for our own good. It’s not worth it, there’s too much backlash, if you know what I mean. And most of the time using them just gives me murder headaches, probably because I don’t do it often enough.”

“I’d like to see them one day.” John looked over at him.

Something warm ignited in his stomach, and Kaidan hoped he would. If it meant he could see John again, hell, he might even agree to a demonstration in the arena. The thought made him lightheaded, his frustration about the day retreating further and further into the background. He swayed in his steps, fully on purpose this time, until his arm was brushing against John. John smirked and leaned into him in return, and they stayed close like that for the rest of the way, exchanging amicable small talk but nothing more.

They headed towards one of the side entrances to the base. The security guard stepped out of his cabin when he saw them coming, and Kaidan dug his ID out of his back pocket, but instead of reaching for it, the guard saluted them with a broad grin on his face.

“Shepard,” the guard said and Kaidan just about managed not to trip over his own feet as he spun around to stare at John. “Out for one last wild night before the big trip to Akuze?”

This was Shepard? The infamous Shepard, the prodigy who could do no wrong?

John smiled and gave the guard a casual salute in return. “Nah,” he said and looked straight at Kaidan, lightly bumping his fist against Kaidan’s shoulder. “Just out for a few beers with my friend here. Who knows how long it’ll be before I see him again.”


	2. Chapter 2

   *** 2183** *****

 

“Your crew,” Anderson said as he handed Shepard a piece of paper. “We’ve got some fine people on board.”

Behind them the ramp to the Normandy’s shuttle bay closed almost inaudibly. Shepard followed the captain towards the elevator, scanning over the names on the sheet while trying to keep an eye on where he was going.

He froze, his feet suddenly rooted to the spot.

Ahead of him, Anderson had already stepped into the elevator and a frown grew on his face when he realized that Shepard had stopped. “Something wrong, Shepard?”

“No, sir,” Shepard said and quickly folded the piece of paper and pushed it into his pocket, hurrying after the captain. There was no need to worry the man before they had even left the dock. Only a moment later they stepped out onto the crew deck.

“I’ll give you a few minutes to settle in,” Anderson said and pointed towards a set of doors to their right. “Bunks in there, some sleeping pods on the other side. It’s up to you and Lieutenant Pressly to sort out the sleeping arrangements of your crew, but there’s a bunk for you reserved in there.”

“Ready for departure, Captain,” the pilot called through the intercom, and Shepard smiled as he recognized Joker’s voice. His name wasn’t the one he had almost stumbled over when he had seen it on the crew list; it had been public knowledge for some time that Joker would be flying the ship. Especially after the guy had hijacked the Normandy a few days ago to prove he was the best man to fly the damn thing. And Anderson might have mentioned it once or twice too.

“Let’s get going, Joker.” Anderson smirked.

“Aye, aye, sir. Let’s see what this little beauty can do,” Joker said, and Shepard felt an almost unnoticeable tremor under his feet as the Normandy’s thrusters sprang to life.

He slung his bag over his shoulder and straightened to give Anderson a quick salute, and the captain returned it before disappearing into the elevator again.

And then Shepard was on his own, on this ship everyone was talking about, on its way to Eden Prime with a Council Spectre in tow and a new XO who, less than three hours ago, hadn’t even known he was being considered for the job. Or that he would find Kaidan Alenko’s name on his crew list.

He took a deep breath and stepped into the sleeping quarters. There was a pair of bunks to his right and a door to the showers on his left, a block of bunks ahead of him, two deep, two high. A single bag sat forlornly on one of the beds at the end. He sank onto the bottom bunk opposite the showers, his own bag dropping onto the mattress behind him, and fished the now slightly crumpled piece of paper from his pocket, unfolding it carefully.

Kaidan Alenko.

There was a familiarity to the name that gave Shepard comfort; he had looked it up so many times over the years it felt almost as if Kaidan had always been part of his life. He had followed the other man’s progress through the ranks and had felt an odd sense of pride each time Kaidan had, yet again, received a special commendation for his achievements, wondering more than once what the guy who had given Alenko shit in the mess the day they had met would think of the biotic now.

Only, after that day, Shepard had never seen Kaidan again. At first, after Akuze, he hadn’t wanted to, not in the state he’d been in. After that the idea of contacting him had gradually turned into this endless mission of procrastination, growing in enormity with every year gone by. Seeing Kaidan’s name on the Normandy’s crew list, _his_ crew list, made his heart beat faster and burn with dread at the same time. Hell, he wanted to see him again, but what if Kaidan didn’t recognize him – or even worse, didn’t want to see him. After all, Kaidan had never contacted him over the years either.

“All stations, prepare for transit in fifteen minutes, relay transit in fifteen minutes.” Joker’s voice came through the intercom once again, jolting Shepard out of his thoughts and back into military mode. He shook his head and got to his feet; he was here to do a job, not to worry about what feelings there might or might not be between him and one of his staff. It didn’t matter anyway. They were part of the same crew now, and there were strict rules against fraternization.

He made his way up to the Command Deck, greeting people as he went. Some of them he knew, others stopped him to introduce themselves. He found Pressly at the galaxy map, and as he listened to the navigation officer’s update on their planned route he let his eyes wander, taking note of the crew assembled around the CIC and along the terminals of the bridge. Kaidan wasn’t amongst them.

He tried not to be disappointed and eventually left Pressly to his duties, heading for the cockpit. He was halfway along the bridge when he saw him, right there next to Joker in the co-pilot’s seat, hair as black as ever, maybe slightly shorter than he had worn it six years ago.

Shepard would never know what made Kaidan throw a glance over his shoulder. He did a double take and froze, his reaction not too different to Shepard’s own when he had stumbled over Kaidan’s name on the crew sheet. And, God, he looked even better than he remembered, those whiskey-colored eyes still having the same effect on Shepard as they had six years ago. Before Akuze…

All of a sudden it was almost impossible to keep eye contact with Kaidan, so instead of acknowledging the lieutenant, Shepard turned towards Joker. “You having fun there, Moreau?” Shepard said, relieved that at least his voice was working while his brain was still searching through the settings for his manners.

“Ah, Shepard,” Joker said as he continued to work the displays in front of him. “I’m glad you said yes, makes me feel a bit less crappy about having Nihlus on board. Something about this whole thing stinks.” Then he seemed to remember himself and nodded his head towards Kaidan. “Alenko, meet Commander Shepard, our new XO.”

Kaidan raised an eyebrow at him, but at the same time a small smile appeared on his lips, and he turned with his chair to face Shepard directly. “Commander,” he said with a salute that was formal in its gesture, but felt like a greeting between old friends. “It’s an honor.”

And Shepard didn’t know whether to run or feel relieved, the mix of Kaidan’s professional tone and the ease of his address only adding to the wave of emotions that had come with the unexpectedness of their meeting and was steadily building towards something bigger. He managed to get out a rough ‘Lieutenant’ but was spared any further conversation when Joker activated the intercom.

“All stations, we are connected. Prepare for transit.”

Kaidan gave him a nod and returned to his own screen, following Joker’s instructions to prepare for the jump ahead of them, and Shepard turned his focus to the front window and the massive construction of the relay in front of them. Joker was already counting down and moments later they were engulfed by the searing blue of the relay and pulled out of the Arcturus System into the Exodus Cluster.

He listened as Joker gave Anderson a status update through the intercom, stealing a glance at Kaidan once more, but the lieutenant’s concentration was firmly back on his display. It wasn’t long before Anderson asked after him, ordering him to the war room where he was already waiting with Nihlus, and he was thankful for being told what to do for once. Kaidan was here, with him, and Shepard had no idea how to handle it.

He could feel his heart hammering against his chest as he made it back through the CIC. They weren’t friends. After a one-night encounter on the streets of Vancouver he wasn’t sure he could even call them acquaintances. And it hadn’t been the smoothest encounter either. But here on this ship they were comrades, and technically Kaidan was his subordinate, most likely part of his ground crew. Shepard couldn’t afford to get emotional about him, couldn’t afford for them to rekindle what might have been if he hadn’t gone to Akuze. Always Akuze…

He hit the lock for the war room with some force and briskly stepped inside. Eden Prime lay ahead of them, and there were mission briefs to go through and a Spectre to talk to. Joker was right. Something about Nihlus made his hackles rise, and Shepard was damned if he’d let whatever feelings he had for one of his new crew members cloud his instincts.

*******

Shepard remembered asking Kaidan about his biotics and telling him he wanted to see them, and boy, had it been worth the wait. As the huge kraken of a ship rose into the dark sky above Eden Prime, Kaidan’s biotics flared around them in all their glory, and Shepard hated it almost as much as he loved it. He hated it because every time the blue haze disappeared, Shepard’s heart sank and he half-expected to turn around and find Kaidan on the ground, wounded or being eaten by a husk. By a thresher maw.

There were no thresher maws on Eden Prime.

They lost Jenkins. They hadn’t been on this godforsaken planet for more than five minutes before a swarm of Geth drones descended on them and killed the young corporal, and all Shepard could think of was that it so easily could’ve been Kaidan. And it only became worse once they found Williams. When she told them that the rest of her crew hadn’t made it, the goal of the mission suddenly went from securing the beacon to keeping Kaidan safe. For the first time in his life, Shepard encountered Geth, saw members of his own race mutate into howling synthetics, and still all that mattered was getting his crew out. Getting Kaidan out and not coming back alone. Not again.

It all went to hell when they stumbled onto the spaceport and found Nihlus. Dead. Apparently shot by another turian called Saren, and Shepard almost lost his temper when the colonist who had witnessed it all told them. Within less than an hour they were down a crew member and a Council Spectre, and Shepard was losing his head over one Kaidan Alenko.

Something snapped when two of the creatures jumped them, and before either Kaidan or Williams had a chance to act Shepard was mauling them with nothing more than his fists and the handle of his pistol, coming way too close to being stung by their electric charge, killing them with a rage that lacked any method and skill.

“Let’s find that fucking beacon,” he growled as he stepped over one of the dead husks, climbing up onto the platform for the train without looking at either Kaidan or Williams. Just as he saw the huge Geth at the end of the platform, two smaller ones emerged from an abandoned carriage on the tracks. He pulled his automatic gun from his back and didn’t much care about cover as he charged towards them, emptying his magazine into their metallic bodies.

Someone behind him yelped, and a second later he was surrounded by Kaidan’s biotics, the Geth’s shots crashing against the barrier.

“Get into cover!” Williams appeared next to him, roughly pulling him to safety while Kaidan crouched behind a crate on the other side of the platform. He brought up another barrier, and between the three of them they managed to clear the platform without any further holdups.

As soon as the big Geth at the end hit the ground, Shepard was back on his feet. He was about to bark his next order when Kaidan grabbed him by the collar of his armor and shoved him hard against the platform wall.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” Kaidan hissed through his teeth, his face grim with anger and so close he bumped his visor against Shepard’s. Shepard tried to push him away, but Kaidan was quick to fire up his biotics again and manhandled him right back against the wall.

“What are you talking about?” Shepard spat back. “We’re right in the middle of a battlefield, this is hardly the time to pick a fight.”

“Then act like the commander I know you are and not like a complete jerk!”

“What the hell, Kaidan, what do you want me to do?”

“With all due respect, Commander,” Williams cut in, a look of concern on her face. “You don’t have to kill them all on your own.”

Kaidan’s own expression grew softer. “I’m asking you to trust me. Us. I’m not sure what’s going on, but Williams is right. You don’t always need to be one step ahead of us. We’re of much better use to you if we tackle them as a team, rather than trying to keep up with you and shoot your ass out of the shit when you get yourself into trouble.”

Shepard glared at him, his jaw burning where he was grinding his teeth, a habit he had never gotten rid of. It didn’t escape him that they had once been in a similar position, albeit with their roles slightly reversed. And he realized that this was as much about Kaidan as it was about himself, and about what had happened to another squad of his, long ago, on another planet. But deep down he also knew that this was not Akuze, and Kaidan was not in danger of being torn apart by a thresher maw. He had to get a grip of himself.

“I do trust you,” he said, quieter now.

“Good.” Kaidan held his gaze. He loosened his grip around Shepard’s collar and stepped back, wincing as he lifted his arm and squinted at a cut in his armor near his shoulder. “These things sting like thistles.”

Shepard felt himself blushing as he watched Kaidan apply some medi-gel to a wound underneath his torn undersuit. He knew it had happened during their last fight, and it had been his own stubbornness that had cause it. Williams stood next to them, her eyes curious as they wandered back and forth between the two of them, but she didn’t say anything.

He cleared his throat and pushed himself away from the wall. “Right. Let’s find that beacon and get off this planet.”

Kaidan’s words had struck a chord, had reminded him that whatever had been, or still was, between them was not a priority right now. Out here they were soldiers first and foremost, and a team that would only work if he believed in his crew and their abilities. And he did; Kaidan was an outstanding soldier, as was Williams.

They ended up hacking the control panel of the train station and taking a train to the second platform, and this time Shepard didn’t try to be the protector when another bunch of Geth descended on them. There weren’t too many of the synthetics left, he assumed most of them had left with the big ship, but they had set up a cluster of explosive charges around the beacon, clearly expecting someone else to follow them. Between the three of them they made quick work of the bombs, and after that all that was left was to secure the beacon.

He noticed flakes of ash floating through the air as he radioed back to the Normandy. Behind the beacon, the Geth ship had transformed the landscape into a field of lava, brooding and alive, and Shepard could feel the heat slowly creeping through the layers of his armor. He smiled at the awe in Kaidan’s voice when the other man marveled openly at the Prothean technology, and at first he hardly felt the tingle on his skin. But then the sensation grew more intense, making the hair at the back of his head stand up.

It was Kaidan’s surprised groan that made Shepard spin around, and he was sure his heart cut out for a few beats as he realized where the tingle in the air was coming from. Something had activated the beacon, its energy amplifying, searching for a target, and Kaidan was caught in its vortex, feet struggling for purchase against the rough surface of the platform as he was fighting not to get sucked in.

‘Kaidan,’ was all Shepard could think as he rushed past Williams and grabbed Kaidan, pushing him away from the beacon. He could see the shock and fear on Kaidan’s face as the ground under Shepard’s feet disappeared. His armor grew too tight for his body, while his brain felt too big for his skull and the world was on fire, burning blazing visions into his memory, gruesome images dancing in front of his eyes. And then the universe went dark.

*******

At first there was only a haze, thick and white. His throat felt raw, and the back of his head throbbed vigorously in time with his heart. Someone grunted, and it took Shepard a moment to realize that the rattle accompanying the sound had come from his own chest, low and raspy.

The fog lifted gradually. As the smell of medi-gel hit his senses, shapes of light and dark turned slowly into light fittings and pipework running along a ceiling. Going by how every part of his body seemed to ache all at once, he guessed he was in the Normandy’s medical bay, even though he had no recollection of how he got there. When he rolled onto his side, clenching his teeth against the pain, his eyes drifting over a portable cabinet, an infusion stand and Kaidan, lying on the bed next to him.

Kaidan.

Shepard blinked as his brain was working hard to make sense of the scene in front of him. Kaidan looked so peaceful. He was facing Shepard, his head pillowed on his hands, his knees drawn up while his chest rose and fell with the steady rhythm of sleep. Still dressed in his under-armor, he looked as if he had simply fallen asleep after a long day out in the field.

Shepard’s thoughts stalled as the memory of Eden Prime came rushing back, and he pushed himself up and swung his legs over the side of the bed, holding on to the edge when the room threatened to spin away from him. He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to slow his heart and steady his mind.

“Welcome back, Commander.” Chakwas’ voice was quiet, and Shepard wondered if she kept it that way for his own benefit or so she wouldn’t wake Kaidan. He could hear muffled footsteps, and when he opened his eyes, the doctor stood right next to him.

“Is he injured?” Shepard asked.

Chakwas shook her head and chuckled. “He’s fine. Just stubborn. He refused to leave after they brought you back on board.”

“How long was I out?”

“About fifteen hours.”

On the other bed, Kaidan stirred. His eyes opened, unfocused at first before they found Shepard, and suddenly it was as if they were back in that bar in Vancouver again, staring at each other across the room, Kaidan’s brown eyes glassy from the alcohol but still mesmerizing. As if it had only been yesterday that they had walked back to the base together and said their _see-you-arounds_ to each other at the end of that night. Nothing had changed.

Kaidan’s eyelids fluttered, and Shepard remembered where they were. He swallowed as he watched Kaidan gingerly sit up, clearly stiff from lying in an awkward position for too long.

“You’re awake. How are you feeling?” Kaidan asked, rubbing the back of his neck, deep lines furrowing his forehead.

“Just a sore head,” Shepard said. He wasn’t convinced he could actually stand up without his knees buckling underneath him, but there was no need to add to Kaidan’s worry by telling him that.

“May I?” Chakwas stepped closer and held up an old-fashioned penlight.

Shepard dutifully followed her finger with his eyes. “What happened?”

“How much do you remember?” Kaidan asked from where he was still sitting on the other bed.

“Something pulled us in, down at the beacon,” Shepard said, trying not to squint when Chakwas carefully held his eye open and shone the light at it. “After that, not much.” Vivid snippets of a vision flashed through his head, but he wasn’t sure if this was the right time to tell the others about those.

“That was my fault.” Kaidan didn’t look at him when he spoke, wringing his hands in his lap. “I must have triggered some kind of security field when I approached the beacon. You had to push me out of the way.”

“We don’t actually know what set it off,” Chakwas said. “Unfortunately, we’ll never get the chance to find out.”

Shepard frowned at her, uncomprehending. Had they lost the beacon?

“The beacon exploded, some system overload, maybe,” she continued. “The blast knocked you cold. The lieutenant carried you back here to the ship.”

“I appreciate it,” Shepard said, and Kaidan finally met his eyes again. Whatever had happened, Kaidan had helped to get them all back in one piece, in more ways than one, and the last thing Shepard wanted was for the other man to blame himself.

Kaidan blushed. He nodded and pushed off his bed. “I better give you some peace, let the doc do her job.”

“Kaidan.” Shepard reached out to stop him. “It’s not your fault.”

“Doesn’t make it any less difficult,” Kaidan said quietly, staring at his feet. Then he looked up at Shepard. “It’s good to see you back on your feet, Commander.”

*******

They had lost Jenkins and gained Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams, but even though she fit in well with the rest of the team, the tradeoff didn’t seem fair. Jenkins hadn’t even had a chance to blink, and no matter how often Shepard reminded himself that every soldier fighting on the front line knew the risk of potentially not making it back one day, losing a crew member on an assignment always hurt. A lot.

The memory of the visions didn’t help, the images of humans being slaughtered by synthetics following him around like a bad dream. The sinking feeling only worsened when Anderson told him that the turian who had killed Nihlus was one of the Council’s own, Spectre Saren Arterius. A Spectre that had allied himself with the Geth to attack a human colony.

“This was an act of war,” Anderson eventually voiced what Shepard didn’t dare to think. “We have to tell the Council about your visions.”

“They’ll think I’m crazy.”

“I’ll have your back, Shepard,” Anderson said, a stern look on his face. “I know Saren. He hates humans and he won’t stop until he’s wiped humanity from the face of the galaxy. We have to do something.”

Shepard knew the captain was right. If Saren was planning a war, they had to stop him. Only Shepard didn’t think the Council would take too kindly to someone accusing one of their Spectres of going rogue. And sure enough, when he stepped in front of the councilors only a few hours later, they stood behind the turian. Saren was there too, outraged, dismissing every one of Shepard’s claims as wild imaginings and reckless speculation, making him look like a fool.

Just before the meeting, they had run into a turian C-Sec officer who had been investigating the Spectre, and after he had been unceremoniously dismissed from the Council chambers, Shepard spent the rest of the day on the Citadel, desperately trying to find the guy again. A fruitless endeavor, as it turned out, and by the time he returned to the Normandy, empty-handed and ready to bite someone’s head off, he wondered why Anderson had ever thought it a good idea to appoint him as his XO.

He didn’t sleep that night. However, it wasn’t his grumbling about Saren and the Council that kept him awake, but Kaidan’s aftershave. They met on the threshold of the sleeping quarters, Shepard stepping in just as Kaidan stepped out to start his next shift.

“Any luck out there?” Kaidan asked as Shepard let him pass, and that was when the hint of something musky brushed his senses.

Shepard shook his head but tried to muster a smile. He didn’t want to burden the other man with his self-doubt and anger, after all, he was supposed to be leading this crew by example, not pull them down with him when he was feeling low.

Kaidan regarded him for a moment without saying anything, the smile on his own face carrying traces of concern but not pity. He eventually inclined his head and gave Shepard quick salute. “Get some rest, Commander. There’s always tomorrow.”

Shepard huffed quietly as he watched Kaidan disappear into the elevator. Kaidan was right. Maybe today wasn’t the day to find what he was looking for, but who said that would stop him from giving it another go tomorrow? He had overcome bigger challenges than that. Anderson was on his side and so was his crew; they only needed a little rest to recharge their forces. There was still time to take Saren down.

It only took the doors of the sleeping quarters sliding shut behind him for his hope of getting some sleep to float out the non-existent window, though. He recognized the lingering scent of Kaidan’s aftershave, its memory hanging in the air between the bunks like mist between trees, hijacking Shepard’s mind and reminding him all too persistently of a different kind of dilemma, the one he had no idea how to resolve. Which apparently was also the one that kept him awake for the rest of the night.

They ended up spending a second day on the Citadel, scouting the Wards before rushing to yet another Council meeting. Only this time they had brought evidence, thanks to the innovative thinking of one Tali'Zorah nar Rayya. And somehow, by the end of the day, Shepard had become a Spectre while Saren had been stripped of his status, Anderson had made him Commander of the Normandy, and his crew had three new members - a turian called Garrus, the helpful quarian Tali, and a krogan named Wrex.

It had only been two days since their maiden voyage to Eden Prime, and Shepard already felt exhausted.

Once they had left the Citadel, Shepard had moved out of the crew quarters and into the commander’s cabin. Anderson and the Council had left him with a whole bunch of reports to fill out, and he had been determined to finish as many of them as possible while he had some privacy, only to find that his thoughts kept running riot in his head, too loud against the eerie silence of the room. It was making him restless.

He gave up on the third report and left his cabin again. The ship seemed deserted, the skeleton crew of the night shift quietly working through their routines in their respective corners, the distant hum of the thrusters and the occasional hiss from the air recycling system the only signs that the Normandy was on the move and going somewhere.

Shepard made his way to the mess, but when the kitchen didn’t bear anything stronger than coffee, he headed for the Observation Lounge. He had only been on the Starboard Observation Deck once, on his first day, but he remembered seeing the small bar at the back of the room and was hopeful Anderson had stocked it with some beer. He needed something to take off the edge, just for a little while.

He didn’t bother activating the lights when he entered the room, the warm glow from the emergency lighting bright enough to make out the furniture. He hadn’t expected anybody to still be in there, especially not Kaidan, who had disappeared into the sleeping quarters hours ago, and he stalled just as the other man looked up.

“John?” Kaidan was sitting on one of the sofas, his elbows on his knees, a bottle of some sort in his hands.

“Kaidan, what are you doing here?” Shepard frowned as he stepped closer. Back in Vancouver, one of the first things he had ever noticed about the biotic was that he was social by obligation, not by choice. He figured Kaidan had come here for that little bit of peace he couldn’t find anywhere else on the ship, and the thought of inviting him up to his cabin crossed Shepard’s mind. He stamped it out quickly. Even if his only intentions were to offer Kaidan some privacy, this was not the time, or the place, to give preferential treatment to one of his crew.

“I couldn’t sleep.” Kaidan straightened up. He shifted on his seat to make some room beside him, and when Shepard recognized the invitation, he could feel some of the doubts and hesitations he had been carrying around slip off his shoulders.

“Me neither,” he said as he sank down onto the cushion next to Kaidan, raising an amused eyebrow when Kaidan revealed a second bottle of beer from underneath the sofa and placed it in front of him.

“It’s not Canadian, but it’s bearable. Certainly better than the Shard wine Williams made me try at Flux.”

“I’ll take your word for it,” Shepard laughed and reached for it. This he could do. There was nothing in the rulebook against having an after-hours drink with his subordinates, and if Kaidan was already making friends with Ashley, who said he couldn’t be friends with Shepard too.

With an inkling of hope he clinked his bottle against Kaidan’s, and when he lifted it up to his lips, the cool liquid hitting his tongue and running deliciously down his throat, Kaidan was smiling back at him over the top of his own drink.

He downed almost half the bottle before slumping against the back of the sofa with a contented sigh, a grin spreading over his face as he heard Kaidan chuckle. Was this what he had needed? Sitting next to Kaidan felt familiar and calming, and memories of their first meeting flooded his mind. Back then Kaidan had been a hothead, a man burdened with a power he hadn’t asked for and struggling with the concept of being different. How the tables had turned.

Kaidan moved, and Shepard only realized how close they were when Kaidan’s thigh gently pressed against his own.  He swallowed as a shiver rose through his body, waves of goosebumps ghosting over his skin, but when he looked back at Kaidan, the other man had turned towards the window, his eyes firmly fixed on the ocean of stars outside.

He could feel the warmth of Kaidan’s body through the fabric of his breeches, and somehow Shepard wasn’t surprised that he wanted to kiss him. He wanted to taste him, wanted to run his fingers through Kaidan’s hair and continue where they had left off six years ago. But that was then and this was now. They couldn’t cross that line, not anymore.

And still, Kaidan made no move to pull away.

‘To hell with it,’ Shepard thought and pushed back into the touch, and watched with a tingle in his stomach as Kaidan’s eyes fluttered shut. God, how much he had missed this.

He closed his eyes and rested his head against the back of sofa, letting their connection ground him, letting it pull him out of the chaos of the last few days and back into the present. His mind went back to Kaidan’s name on his crew list, and it suddenly felt like fate. As if the universe had planned all along to take that name off the intranet screens and Alliance reports he had read over the years, and put it right there, on the piece of paper he held in his hands not so long ago. As if it didn’t matter where they had been, or where they were going. They were meant to be here right now, together.

“How have you been?” Kaidan eventually asked, and when Shepard opened his eyes and lifted his head, Kaidan was smiling back at him.

Shepard chuckled, but lowered his eyes as he remembered their episode in the medical bay. “What? You mean since that beacon fried my brain?”

“That as well, but I meant…” Kaidan hesitated, “…since that night in Vancouver? A lot has happened since then.”

“Yeah,” Shepard said quietly. He wanted to tell him. About Akuze and the horrors of the thresher maws. About how he had spent a whole year trying to remember who he was, and then the years after working his ass off to honor every single man and woman he had lost on that one fateful day. About how they still came to him in his dreams, and about how he had thought of Kaidan so many times and–

“I thought about you,” Kaidan said, his eyes searching, as if there was so much he wanted to tell Shepard in return. “A lot.”

“Me too.” Shepard’s breath stuttered. “About you.”

They held each other’s gaze, and Shepard’s chest tightened as he remembered that this really wasn’t a conversation they should be having. Not as Commander Shepard and Lieutenant Alenko, and he was hit with the realization that they might have missed their chance to be John and Kaidan, missed their chance to have anything other than a work relationship with each other. But Kaidan’s leg was still pressed against his own, and here they were, neither of them willing to back down.

“John.” It was Kaidan again who spoke first. “I know there are rules and all, and I’m not saying that we should just pick up from where we left off in Vancouver, but I want to you know that… that I think there was something between us back then, and I think there still is, and that’s okay. I… I don’t know, all I’m saying is that I want you to know that I will have your back, whatever happens.”

Kaidan’s words tugged at his heart, trying to pry it open. Back in Vancouver, Kaidan had let himself be pulled out of a bar, had let himself be taken home even though at first, he had had no reason and little desire to follow Shepard. And now, here, between the chaos of their first mission and the unknown journey that lay ahead, he was giving Shepard his word that he would do so again, that he would stand by his side, or be even more, if Shepard wanted him. 

And Shepard wanted him.

As if Shepard had spoken the thought out loud, Kaidan’s eyes darkened. He turned and reached for him, warm fingers brushing against the side of his neck before closing around the back of it, and Shepard let himself be pulled in. Kaidan kissed him, gently and without any hurry, and Shepard didn’t care if this would be the first of many or the only kiss they’d ever share again. Right now, he trusted Kaidan to know what he wanted, and he knew Kaidan would trust him, wherever this would take them.

 

_**The End** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is it, our little contribution to this year's MEBB. Thank you so much for reading. We're both first timers and I think I can speak for both of us when I say it was a brilliant experience and a lot of fun (and a lot of gushing over [demirhys's](https://demirhys.tumblr.com/) WIP on my part, hehe).
> 
> I hope you enjoyed the story and that you like demirhys's art as much as I do. :) Just look at her beautiful Kaidan, and Shepard's smile! <3 <3 Thank you again, lovely, I feel so lucky that you picked my story.


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